I’ve been sober for 9 months now.
It’s hard to imagine what my life would have been like now had I not gone through all that I had. Had my life not imploded, had my solution not been found in the numbing of my self. As awful as it was with alcohol being my choice of comfort, then becoming my damning grace, and finally being what brought me to my knees, God’s hand was in all of it. I may not believe in Him the way I did before, but now I believe in Him the way I always should have – with a righteous fear and blind trust.
Nine months ago, plus some days, I wasn’t drinking. A few days/couple weeks sober, but miserable. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t see outside of my pity party – the one that had been raging for a few years – and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I had nothing left except that insincere and crushing need of alcohol – the one and only thing that would/could keep my head from reminding me how unnecessary and unwanted my life was.
Nine months ago, plus some days, I had no hope. All I wanted was to drink and sleep in oblivion, wallowing in the pitying glances from my dog, saved by the face that I was now living alone and could do what I wanted without the fear of anyone telling me what to do.
Nine months ago God intervened after I woke up from a drunken stupor, crying out to Him to help me because I was finally honest with myself – I couldn’t help myself from this doomed life. So He cleared my head for a brief time allowing me to seek out help from a friend who only came into my life because of God’s design. Twenty minutes later I fell back asleep, only to be awoken again by God’s saving grace in the form of two new friends.
Nine months has gone by rather quickly. Lots has happened, lots has changed. I’m joy filled with life, now. My ability to see humor in all of life is back and better than ever.
I’m way over a healthy weight, but I’m slowly beginning to take care of that, and I’m no longer letting that dictate how I approach life.
I’m much more assertive than I ever have been – the worst of this is how often I’ve purposely used my car horn – and I’m [not] proud of that.
I’m joyful. I’m not sure I ever had been truly joyful until now.
I don’t feel discontent and I’m slow to anger (minus bad drivers.)
The holidays still bring dread to my heart, but I’m trying to see it as an opportunity to keep growing.
Forgiveness without expectations is a lovely factor, and I’m able to embrace life without trying to make people fit into my box of what-you-should-be-according-to-my-expectations.
Nine months flew by. But a lifetime of healing planted itself firmly in my path.
Heartfelt Ramblings 