For a long period of time, I wasted my potential. First, it was because I was afraid of everything. I don’t know when it started, but I have a brain that, when it hears something, can remember it to the ends of the earth. Only select things, both good and bad, and usually unnecessary. Things that would directly and indirectly change me, my actions, my thoughts. For example, in Italian class in high school I overheard these two girls speaking about their friend, aghast that she was wearing the same shirt within a two week period. I can remember where they were sitting , where I was sitting, and the tone of voice of the girl voicing her vicious concern of her friend. “Oh my gosh, she, like, wore that shirt last Tuesday.” All I could remember was thinking, “And these are her friends? Why does this matter to them?” Something snapped in me and I ended up wearing whatever, however I felt like. It’s been almost the only thing that I couldn’t care less about what other people think of me, and am genuinely amused when people take offense.
On the same line, I remember, in high school, apparently formative years, this one really nosy, opinionated, judgy girl who made so much fun of the way this other girl ate that from then on, I hated eating in front of other people. It wasn’t me that was made fun of, but it still made me change my ways. I didn’t want to annoy anyone or to be made fun of something so stupid. I play the martyr card, remember, to be the least annoying, least noticed person. The same thing happened with my laugh. I hate laughing around people because of something someone mentioned, and my brain took it and ran with it, unhinged
Then it was because I discovered alcohol and while it made me giggle more freely, speak more freely, it didn’t really take away my fears. Only made them worse in the end, and more severe.
Now, sober for a year and three months later, a lot of those fears have vanished. Some still stick around, but I’m aware of them, I can reason with myself and I take less time to get through it. Or I can make fun of myself in the situation (*see any interaction I have with the male species) which will remind me quite often that the situation could have gone much less awkward.
All of this being said, I want to be intentional. In my thoughts, in who I am, in my actions, in YHWH. I have the potential to be more intentional, and I’m walking in that direction, slowly, it seems, but I have 30+/- years of my memory to re-educate. That’s not necessarily easy for anyone to achieve, let alone someone recovering through alcoholism. But it’s possible, it’s happening, and I’m grateful.